Friday, June 10, 2016

Story 01

Her  name is Mandy. She lived thirty-five years. She’s been dead for six. The anniversary of her death was yesterday and today is still proving to be difficult.

And this is where I stop writing and freeze up.  My brain seems to be ridged, empty, blank and not in a good way, but rather in a standing moment of terror. Terror held captive in the belly of a cave where all the air has been sucked out as if in one huge gasp.

I see the way out, but nothing that I want to write about will come out of my thoughts or  my pen.
I think about all the eloquent thoughts, sentences and words that play in my mind over the last six years but as soon as the pen is in my hand I freeze up. So  I’ve come to this place in the basement of an old factory building where Ted has set up a table, a chair and a fan.

I’ve come here to write – to break through this horrible thing that doesn’t want me to write. I’ve agreed with myself that I’ll write. Just write whether it’s the story I’m wanting to share or just foolishness. I’ll just keep writing.

The ‘they’ I want to write is the story – my story – her story – our story – the story of motherhood, mothering, mother, my own mother, myself as mother, the mother Mandy wanted to be but knew she couldn’t be.

I want to write the story of grief, the way it is for me, the journey it’s been, the way it has changed me, the good, the bad, the best of me and the worst of me.

Mandy wanted me to tell her story and I could not, but she died wanting me to tell the story about what it was like to be her mother. I just couldn’t, being her mother wasn’t always pretty and I can’t finish this thought…..

“Every woman has a story to tell.” I read that somewhere once and it’s power has never left me. I started a journal where I cut pictures from magazines, pasted them into a journal book then wrote opening paragraphs about each one’s story.

I know it should read "everyone has a story to tell" and of course they do, but I can’t always relate to that. However,"every woman has a story to tell" resonates with me because so many women are silenced from birth. I know that silencing. I continue to abide by it in most aspects of my life and in most of my interactions with others.

Most people are not interested in the lives of others. I believe that. I live it.

I have thousands of pages from my journals and some pages of prose that I don’t know what to do with. Now that Mandy’s dead there’s no one to read them, say nothing about care about or for them.
Maybe that’s why I don’t write now. Maybe it feels senseless, worthless, yet down deep inside I’m driven to write – my story, her story, our story, the story of motherhood and long painful journeys of loss and mourning, grief, healing and joy.

Life is full of stuff, of stories, but also of awakenings, lessons, adventures and discovery. There are things that happen that no one believes, things that they judge because it isn’t their experience. For example:

When I was forty we moved from one house to another. We needed more room to do more foster care. In the move I took three oil paintings on canvas. Two painted by one of my mother’s sisters and the third a tall sailing ship in the ocean by no one I knew that I’d picked up at  a yard sale.
So we get these paintings that were covered in films of dust, cigarette and wood stove smoke. My mother who was helping with some cleaning and un-packing brings me one of the small covered bridges to hang. I was shocked when she handed it over to me and the colors jumped up from the canvas as if fresh from the tubes.

“Ma, what  did you do to this?”

“I cleaned it.” She said.

I know it sounds silly, bizarre even, but here I was forty years old, of average intelligence, a parent, housewife, foster parent, high school graduate and it never occurred to me that you could clean paintings. I don’t know what I thought about them or what would happen if I considered cleaning them. I just assumed that you couldn’t.

“What do you do to clean them?” I asked.

“Well, either windex or dish soap on a damp rag. I used windex on this one.”

I scolded myself. Of course it’s oil paint. It resists water the same as a painted wall, of course you can wash it. My mother  just shook her head, “Your smarter than I could ever be. I can’t believe you didn’t know that.”

But I didn’t. I really truly had never considered the possibility of washing paintings. I recall this because I’ve seen people with that look of utter dumbness on their faces and as my mind is asking, “Really? Are you kidding me? How could you not know that?” I am acutely aware that although sometimes people can be playing the ‘stupid’ card they might really not know something that we think they should know.

If I could change the way people judge one another in so many hurtful ways I would. I would ask them to take a breath and think about how you are treating others before you say every little thing on your mind.

I move on to thinking about truth and reality. My stories can only be told from the point where my truth meets the paper,  now that Mandy is dead hers can only be told through my perspective with a few excerpts from her  journals.

The two stories that well up in my heart to be told: my journey with grief and my feelings about mothering. I have more experience with mothering than just my own…(my heart is pounding out of my chest) but I’m not going to stop writing. I’ve had experience’s with other mothers stories… my mother’s, my foster mother’s, my sister’s and the many bio-mothers of the dozens of foster children I’ve had.

Do you see what I see? My heart is beginning to slow down.
I see Mandy standing in a colorless place encircled by stillness. She looks at me from that great distant place…

I ask, “What Mandy? What is it?”

My heart is very heavy. It pulls me down as if it weighs so much that the structure beneath it can barely sustain it. Maybe it won’t and the foundation will collapse under it’s great weight.

I wanted to be a mother from the earliest time I can remember. I knew how to hold babies from watching my aunts and from little golden books with pictures of little girls playing with baby dolls. I had a doll of my own, baby dolls with blankets discarded from the real babies in my family. I loved them. I talked to them, soothed them and fed them with Popsicle sticks dyed red and orange on the halves where the frozen ice used to be.

I wanted to be a mother more than anything. I wanted to be a writer and sometimes I thought about being a psychologist but nothing was more deeply ingrained in me than mothering.
By the time I was three I mothered my mother and my baby brother then later another brother and a sister.

It wasn’t just infants with blankets and bottles that I mothered. It was peoples bruises and hungry bellies. Mostly I worried about their feelings, about not hurting them and not letting others hurt them when I could avoid it. I seemed to know early on that I wanted to be the kind of mother who made others feel safe and loved and worthy. It would turn out that it wasn’t that simple and I would have to learn that the hard way.

Meanwhile I practiced mothering with my family who needed a lot of comforting; my mother was at the top of that list. She was a mess. I believe she suffered from undiagnosed bi-polar and/or borderline personality disorder.

So where do I go from here with this writing project? I think it does matter to me that someone cares to read it. I have thought for a long time about just writing for me, as they say and I do that in my journals, thousands of pages over the years, but story telling is for someone. others… for the reader. Stories by their definition are to be ‘told’, shared in some fashion with others.

Now that Mandy is dead there doesn’t seem to be any reason to write them down. She wanted to read them – she was interested in my life from the inside out. She had the courage to read them and to know my truths.

I said, “Mandy, I can’t write what it’s like being your mother. It’s  complicated and it just wouldn’t be right to write it all down.”

“It’s okay, Mom.” She said with calm and urgency at the same time, “I know it’s not easy to be my Mom. I know that and it’s okay. It might help somebody else to read about what it’s like to be the Mom of a borderline.”

“It’s not all hard, Mandy, being your mother isn’t all hard, you know…”


I’m not sure she believed me that day or any day before she died, but it wasn’t all hard. There was so much more to it than that. There was also joy.

Just when you think....

it's just getting too hard and enough is enough and that it might be time to give up some seemingly little thing happens and you come back to the fight.


I haven't written there in a long time. I've been in a hard place for the last week or so... the anniv. of Mandy's death was the 8th just two days ago. It hit me harder than I expected. I've had a sort of bend in the road this past winter. A relapse of sorts. Not sure what that means exactly except that's what it feels like.

I've started back into therapy. I've only had a couple sessions but it has got me thinking about writing again. It's so hard. I remember when I loved to write when it comforted and strengthened me. When it kept me calm and sane, but after Mandy died it stopped doing that for me.

but I'm feeling driven to write so yesterday I tried again. I had some success. I'm going to post it in a separate post titled: Story 01... if I am able to continue with that format I'll post them Story 02 and so on...  

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Dancing as fast as I can

Well it's March, alright. It's been nearly a month since I've written here. Sometimes I think I avoid it at all costs. Other times I think I just run out of time or don't have enough time. I especially don't know why I haven't written because I've been struggling for quite a while now and that's the time when I used to write daily for hours sometimes, but since Mandy died I really rarely write at all.

I'm much more likely to craft or sleep or sometimes play computer games, especially face book games. Writing things down make them more real, too real sometimes...

At any rate on top of my obsession with crafting and my usual struggles with this time of year as it pertains to Mandy's death I'm suddenly feeling noticeable low self esteem. I suppose it's possible that I always suffer from a certain amount of it, but I don't usually notice it. I don't feel it, but lately I do feel it.

I feel like I can't do anything right, like I'm not right about anything, like I don't count and I don't matter....

It's odd and it's bothersome. The more I feel like I'm failing the less I want to try. I'm pretty tired of not being able to cook a pork roast no matter what directions I follow.

I'm tired of disappointing people and saying things the wrong way so they get upset and can't seem to give me any slack. I feel like I just need to crawl in a hole somewhere and sleep for a generation or two.

Have I discussed how much I miss Mandy loving me? It's selfish I guess, but then grief feels selfish, like since it's my daughter who died I'm entitled to the grief and no one can take that away from me. It's real and it's mine and no one can really know or understand it the same as I do. In this way I am alone. I stand apart and alone no matter how many other parents share this kind of loss it is just that... sharing a type of loss, the death of a child... however:

I believe that for all the ways grieving a child is similar each is also very unique. Our relationships with our children, with our parenthood is vastly different. The circumstances of our becoming mothers and our feelings about that are also unique. The way we view/ed our place in the world of motherhood - how we say our child and how our child saw us - it's all unique to our individual stories.

All I really know for right now, for tonight is that I'm dancing as fast as I can. I'm spinning and hooking and crafting as if there is a fire chasing me. I feel as if I'm trying to stay ahead of it, trying not to look back but afraid that it's making ground and that it will not only catch me but overwhelm me and I will be rendered useless even to myself...

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Easing Pain

It's been an odd few days. I've been working like a mad woman on my art and my crafts. I love it, the creating, the swapping the business of it. I'm never without doing something. Never just sitting...

I've recently become aware that I do this because it's too painful to sit quietly, sit without my hands, my eyes, my mind being busy with counting or focusing on color or pattern or stitch.

I do it to ease the pain that I feel whenever I really 'think' about Mandy and sometimes Danny. It's easy to speak about them, to relate stories about them, but when it's quiet and I sit with nothing in my hands to keep my attention I still imagine her alive... then in an instant I know she isn't and the pain returns.

Maybe it's not that it eases the pain but rather that it denies the pain.


Friday, February 12, 2016

Missing things...

It's snowing this morning, it hasn't snowed much this year at all so far. Although I really don't like the snow and I have an out of town hook in tomorrow that I'm afraid I won't be able to get to, I do have to admit that watching the snow drift down onto the driveway calms me in a way.

I hope Cheryl-Kay is still coming, but probably not. I really want to work in the studio with another person. I miss that.

I miss so many things that sometimes I have to yell at myself for missing things, living in the past, wishing for things that are gone. Instead I should be living in the moment, in the present and allowing myself to feel the joys of what the present has to offer. I've gotten better at it. I have been looking forward to today... maybe it's just a little flurry?


Coldest Weekend...

It's Friday on the eve of the coldest weekend we've had so far this year. It's been warmer than usual this year. I've been able to get out more, which is good for me, for my health and my state of mind. It's not that my grief isn't still close with me or that I don't hurt every time I think about Mandy in any serious manner, but I have not fallen into the dark pit of winter like I sometimes do.

I've been doing a lot on swap-bot. I love having my rug hooking and now I've started a little needle felting. Always something new with me. It's in my nature I suppose. It's the thing that has always kept me going and made me feel alive - the learning - the new experiences... it's all part of who I am and what makes me tick.

As I write this night I ache inside... Salina is in the hospital - there is deep rooted trouble with Brittany and Marlene. I am acutely aware that there is more than one way to lose a child.

It's so cold tonight that I can't get warm no matter how many clothes I put on or how close I sit to the kitchen. But this too shall pass.. the earth will warm again and spring will arrive in all her glory.. summer will follow in lush greens and deep blue waters...

Friday, February 5, 2016

Still Broken

It's been a bit of a hard day. I woke up feeling lost and sad. An old photo of me with the twins was in my feed from four years ago. I never feel the loss of them without feeling the loss of Mandy. Seems like so much reminds me of the loss of Mandy and although I don't cry and weep and lie in my bed staring into space anymore (or rarely I should say) I still feel the aching loss like a subtle backdrop to my life.

It doesn't interfere with my life in some dramatic way, this more subtle aching. Most days I barely notice it at all and when I do I don't pay it much attention. I'm rather used to it, but the times I do pay attention and really look at it in a way that makes me feel it I find that it still crushes me.

In an odd way I continue to feel broken even though I feel that I am healed. Perhaps I am as healed as healed is going to get and perhaps that healing isn't complete. Perhaps it will never be complete and I will always feel a certain level of broken-ness - perhaps in the background similar to the sense of loss that never goes completely away.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Beginning 2016

Guess it's been awhile since I wrote here. Guess it's been awhile since I've written anywhere. I write everyday all day long inside my head, but for some reason never get it down on paper. Afraid, I suppose... afraid that I'll write something that hurts or offends someone, afraid that I'll write stuff that others disagree with, more fearful that they will disagree with me out loud. I don't want to have to further explain or defend what being me in like.

I'm struggling again. I hadn't been so much last spring and summer, but I am again... I'm tired... tired of being stronger than I really feel. Tired of not feeling like its correct or safe to express how hard this really is... this time since Mandy died.

I don't even know what I've posted already and since I doubt this will be read it doesn't matter. Maybe it's okay if I repeat myself a dozen times. Maybe it's okay if I say the same thing a dozen different ways or if sometimes I even contradict myself. Yeah, maybe it's all okay. Well, it won't be by everyone, but not everyone cares to read this crap so it won't matter now will it?

I got in trouble with my Dr. last week. My beloved Dr. B. My legs are really bad. My A1C was 8.0 and I was at my heaviest weight. she want's me to have by-pass. That's a long and painful thought process for me. It's so simple for her. It's simple for those who just want to lose weight - a means to an end. but for me, it means losing... more loss... and more and more losses...

I don't want to lose food and in particular I don't want to lose soda... I have switched over to diet coke. I don't like the after taste, but I'll get used to it rather than go without soda again... that is a huge part of why all my plans fail... because I can only go so long without soda. Maybe many weeks or even a few months, but eventually, it's a deal breaker and I end up back in trouble over and over!

the other day Marlene pointed out that maybe it was just too much to lose and sometimes it does feel that way, like how much am I supposed to lose in this lifetime?

I know I can't do anything about the people I already love and care about. I know that I might lose them and I can't do anything about that, but I don't have to form all kinds of new attachments. Brigid and Onyx died a couple years after Mandy - Brigid first in the back bedroom. I heard her fall and got there just in time to watch her take three last breaths, then silence... death. Less than two weeks later Onyx had to be taken to the vets... something was wrong, horribly wrong. Sure enough Ted had to leave him there and at seven that evening I got the call... "Massive tumor in his stomach area, did  I want xrays and blood tests even though he was sure it was cancer. He had lost half his body weight in less than three weeks - cancer is the thing that does that."

So I said, "is it time to let him go?"

He replied, "I believe so."

I said, "Go ahead."

"I can put him on an IV and try to keep him alive until morning so you can be with him."

I cried, "Goodness no! Why would I want him stuck with needles and left in a cage all night. No, just do it and I'll have Ted pick him up in the morning and pay the bill."

And so, both of them died in November... just a few days before Marlene dying of cancer moved into the back bedroom.

It's been three years and I still don't want any pets. I don't want a cat or a dog or even a goldfish. there are different reasons depending on the day you ask me, but really the deeper truth is that I just don't want to face any more losses right now.

I know I can't help that I still have parents and siblings and a husband and a son and that I could lose any one of them anytime, but I'm not setting myself up to lose another pet.

I don't even know how to think about the twins. The loss of them. I'm angry about that. I'm angry because they don't deserve anything that has happened to them including being taken from me/us without notice or closure or care for what is in their best interest. It hurts. It hurts like loss does. It sucks the air right out of me if I think about it for more than a second at a time.

I don't feel like I can talk about these things to the people in my life. I think they just don't know how to listen and be okay with how I am.