Still Broken

It's been a bit of a hard day. I woke up feeling lost and sad. An old photo of me with the twins was in my feed from four years ago. I never feel the loss of them without feeling the loss of Mandy. Seems like so much reminds me of the loss of Mandy and although I don't cry and weep and lie in my bed staring into space anymore (or rarely I should say) I still feel the aching loss like a subtle backdrop to my life.

It doesn't interfere with my life in some dramatic way, this more subtle aching. Most days I barely notice it at all and when I do I don't pay it much attention. I'm rather used to it, but the times I do pay attention and really look at it in a way that makes me feel it I find that it still crushes me.

In an odd way I continue to feel broken even though I feel that I am healed. Perhaps I am as healed as healed is going to get and perhaps that healing isn't complete. Perhaps it will never be complete and I will always feel a certain level of broken-ness - perhaps in the background similar to the sense of loss that never goes completely away.